Mommy Mayhem

Happy Holidays!

It's been a whirlwind of a week! I've thrown a holiday party for many of my favorite friends, managed to do all my shopping in less than 24 hours, and am now wrapping,cleaning, and baking. However, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to wish everyone the best and brightest holiday. Whether you're celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or simply enjoying some extra time with friends and family...I hope you have fun doing it!

I'm preparing to throw a holiday bash. It's IN THREE DAYS. I'm not stressing. Really, I'm fine. See?

Right. So, in typical fashion, Murphy and his big ass Book Of Law have decided to pay me a visit. Here's the week in review:

Friday- Aidan has the Tooth Fairy Trauma
Saturday- no sleep, Aidan can't go anywhere, nothing gets done
Sunday- continued
Monday- Spent it at the dentist, no preschool
Tuesday- wasted, kid gets sick, ice storm
Wednesday- no school! Slam toe in door.

That's not to say I've done nothing. Oh no, somehow, I've managed to accomplish quite a bit of cleaning. I'm not sure exactly how but my methods left me in a bad,bad mood (I like to think it was the toe rather than the stress). For my sanity and Rob's personal safety, I left the house for the evening. Went to see a movie, Twilight, for the third time.

Shut up.

So, while in the movie I get four phone calls, two text messages, and a partridge and a pear tree. Sigh. It was worth it,though.

Bah. Three more days! The playlists are finished (three, mind you). The sound system is out of the box. The cleaning is mostly done. The food/drink list is finished. Tomorrow's huge endeavor = lighting!

The Tooth Fairy is a Bastard and other Fairy Tales...

A week ago today, Liam lost his first tooth (He's five for those of you following at home). He was so proud, we were thrilled for him, and it was a big deal. The Tooth Fairy left him a dollar and Liam got that wide-eyed look of wonder that accompanies all children when they realize that a trip to the Dollar Store is immanent.

Aidan (age three) thought this Tooth Fairy business was some scary shiznit. I mean, some crazy fairy comes and takes your teeth from inside your mouth and all you get is some blood, a cheap ass treasure chest, and a lousy paper thing under your pillow that doesn't even have a sticky side to it. I could see the panic clearly written on his poor little face. "And all this happens at Big Boy School?" he thought. "WTF? I'm never going to that place."

Every time he couldn't find something, the poor thing accused the Tooth Fairy of taking it. Whether it was a truck, the toothpaste, or his peanut butter sandwich you know it was that damned tooth stealing fairy.

Enter today. Exactly seven days into the Tooth Fairy Trauma.

I was about 30 minutes away when I get The Call. It's Rob. He sounds sort of...green. He says,"Don't freak out but Aidan fell at the McDonald's playplace and knocked his two front teeth in. He's really bloody and I...I'm taking him to the ER."

I tell Rob I'll meet him there. I mutter a few panicked expletives and make haste for the hospital. By the time I arrive, poor Aidan's mouth is swollen and he can barely talk. After much fuss, he is released with strict dietary orders and an appointment with the pediatric dentist on Monday to determine whether or not the teeth stay.

After all the drama, the poor little dear asked on last thing as he lay his head down to sleep. "Is the Tooth Fairy coming?" he asked, in that pathetic lispy little voice. I did what any mother would do, under such circumstances. I told him that if the tooth fairy showed up, I was going to beat her up. No way was the tooth fairy coming for my baby's teeth!

He is resting peacefully now.

So, it's been awhile...

Only what, two years?

A lot can happen in such a short amount of time. But nothing really did so there you have it. In two short years, my children grew, my finances did not prosper, and we're all still alive. I think it's fantastic but whatever. On to much more serious subjects...

Who should play Jacob in New Moon?

See, I told you this was serious!

I know, I know. Everyone thinks Tayler Lautner should get another crack at it. I would,too, except I don't see how they are going to get that baby face to grow up in the few short months leading up to filming. He was great for Twilight, he was supposed to be young. Now,though, we have to realistically be able to see Bella and Jacob romance potential. I mean, it would be like poor Bella was kissing a Furby at this rate. A cute, oversized, furry thing with Lautner's face. Nothing is impossible but I'm dubious.

So, I went digging for possible replacements. Here's a link with all three of the most popular contenders for New Moon...

http://www.newmoonmovie.org/2008/12/michael-copon-steven-strait-or-taylor-lautner-for-jacob/

I vote for the first dude. Not too old, not too young and he's hot enough to tempt me*cough* I mean, Bella.

Wallyworld

From a moral and political  perspective I despise Wallyworld. They impoverish employees, thus creating a national tax burden for the rest of us. Wallyworld isn't known for their generous community support and they tend to suck the life out of small businesses everywhere.But I still shop there because toilet paper is cheap. I know, I'm an asshole.

Moving on...

Wallyworld location is critical to how you will interpret your wallyworld experience. A Wallyworld Urbana experience is grossly different from a North Columbus Super-duper Wallyworld. Dare I say, the Urbana Wallyworld trip is more of an exposure to another kind of humanoid species vs a real shopping experience.  I will never forget the look of curiosity on my son's face when he first witnessed a fifty year old woman with no front teeth, serious roots, and a chain hooked from her nose to her ear.

"Mom, why did she spend so much money on jewelry and clothes instead of a dentist? What's that thing ? Do you think she can suck milk up her nose? That would be so cool!"

At least, it gives him something to look at while we shop? And coincidentally, it was time for new toothbrushes!

I got my life back

Woot! Rob  got a laptop so I have my computer back. It's a sad thing when two addicts have to share their crack, you know? It's bitter and scary.

Sorry for the hiatus. Seems my credit card expired and typepad gets a little touchy about the payment thing. Who knew?

I've been accosted by a hugger. Not just any hugger,either. You see, on Friday afternoons I volunteer at my kid's school. My son's teacher is a very nice older woman. Sweet-blah,blah but insists on a big hug seconds after a cataclysmic coughing spasm.

I am not an overly affectionate person. I'll hug or kiss if the situation calls for it, but in general, I can take it or leave it. I do not suck face with my husband in the grocery store line or even lavish  breathless 'I love you's' on the phone.  The idea of hugging a germ infested teacher makes me want to shower in Lysol.

I can't hardly refuse this germy gesture of goodwill based on my own puritanical PDA phobia . Perhaps I will fake an injury or illness of my own, thus preventing me from receiving my daily dose of strep-laced affection. This is where the  Google school  of medicine becomes so very handy!

Unintelligent Design

With all this hoopla about intelligent design (aka God din't make no junk) vs Darwinism, I thought I'd search my inner self for the answers. It took one look into the mirror for me to come up with the only conclusion that makes any sense.

I evolved from a spare tire.

After five years of knowing my husband, I have finally seen his face.

No, I have not had him walking around life with a bag on his head. Since I've known him, he's always had facial hair. Not that I mind, I like it well enough, but after we got married I thought I might like to know if he was on the FBI most wanted list. That's difficult if the man you love has been wearing a chea pet on his face.

Anyhoo, after years of pestering he finally decided to shave it all off...just.this.one.time.  It took quite a bit of time, this undressing of the face business. When it was finally over, I took one look and thought to myself "wait, I know that face from somewhere...hmm..."  I tried to place that face. This face that I have never seen before but have seen on someone else.

Eureka! My poor, dear husband had the most confused look on his face as I had not yet said whether I liked it or not. Just a crazed woman searching her mind, eureka-ing around the house.

"Behold!" I said to the mysterious face that was my husband. I brought him our youngest son, Aidan, whom until this day I had sworn was the post-man's offspring. I brought them both to the mirror and put them together.

Legitimacy, at last!